Just Another Reasons To Avoid The Scouting Legion
by Jester310
Summary: It is proclaimed that the main reason which discourages soldiers from enrolling into The Scouting Legion is due to its high fatality and low success rate. Well, think again. This collection of one-shots would slowly disclose the many secrets of the corp enough to force even the strong, talented soldiers sprint for their lives. Warning! Pure cracks.
1. Introduction

**Author's Note: For the past few months, I've been placed under stress due to the nature of my work so I decided to write something lighter this time. No worries. I'll still be updating my other projects despite the lack of progress. But for the short time being, I simply want to write something… fun. In addition, there are readers who might as well hate me for:**

**1) SNK is an angst filled manga/anime. And yet, I selfishly decided to write something humorous out of the characters because personally, I think they all needs LOVE**

**2) The basic idea wasn't mine. They are an adaption from famous jokes in which I modified them to suit the plot. So I'll be giving most of the credits to whoever invented the jokes.**

**3) The grammatical error. Lots and lots of readers have been advising me to find someone who could BETA my stories. But then again, I'm too lazy to find. But hey! If anyone is interested, do let me know!**

**4) The OOC-ness. Really, do you really need me to explain this?**

**That's all I could think of as an introduction. So enjoy! **


	2. In Which The Commander Is Childish

**Title: In Which the Commander Is Childish**

**Featuring Characters: Erwin Smith, Nile Dawk & Jean Kirschtein**

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Commander Nile Dawk who is in charge of the Military Police Division, one day, decided that he would visit Commander Erwin Smith who is in charge of the Scouting Legion. Despite their massive—_cough_—little titanic (no pun intended) clashes in every little aspects, the raven haired man still somewhat feel obligated to drop in and see his fellow commander. If he's lucky enough, he may as well discover one or two (or even more) flaws within the legion and ask for the Capital to cut their budget for next year. Haah! Take that, blondie!

Upon arrival, he was greeted by non-other than the tall commander himself clad with his usual stoic demeanor. It never failed to piss him off, to be honest. There was many times where Niles had wondered just how many millions of muscles will it takes for Erwin to crack a small smile. But after a while, the Military Police Commander decided to abandon such trivia mystery and stick to the idea that Erwin is simply a dry man. Or more like, a dry, sour plum.

No, wait. The words 'sour' and 'plum' somehow suits Corporal Levi the best, so he thought.

They exchanged sarcastic greetings at first, like _'Good Morning, Commander Nile. What a pleasant surprise to see you sober this morning. Would you like me to hold your hand and lead you the way?'_ and_ 'Good Morning, Commander Erwin. Dear, Sina. Is that a scratch on your face? How unfortunate, really. I had a dream that both your arms were gnawed by a titan. Real scary. Hmm-mm.'_

Needless to say, both of them were smiling (Erwin included) as they spoke.

Really, nothing unusual.

Not later after the short greeting, they both walked around the place before finally reaching the Scouting Legion's own training ground. The headquarter itself was big with lots and _lots _and privacy which irritates Nile a tad, but nevertheless, it was much better than sharing headquarters. Once, few years back he reckoned, the Capital had suggested that the Military Police and Scouting Legion headquarters to be crammed inside one building with a single reason.

To cut the fucking budget.

The reaction was pandemonium.

Put aside Niles and Erwin who fought tooth and nails inside the court to object the proposal, even the members of each divisions decided to aid their leaders by dragging hell back to the surface of the earth. Or to be precise, inside the court room. It started with a sarcastic remarks between the two leaders, then later upgraded to a shouting match before chairs and tables began to fly across the room. While Hell was raining inside Court, Dot Pixie, the chief of the Stationary Guard Division sat at the far corner of the corner, leisurely sipping on his drink while enjoying the cavemen brawl. Occasionally, the middle aged man would scooted left and right to avoid the flying furniture.

Nile later learned from a reliable source that it was Levi who threw the first chair. Or was it the Sina statue..?

But long story to short, that was the very same day that the judge of the court, Generalissimo Dallis Zacklay, had finally came to a decision that the Military Police and the Scouting Legion could not even agree that the sky is blue, more less breathe in the same space. Therefore, the proposal was shredded with the standard military blade.

"So how are your men?" Nile finally asked after a long hiatus.

"Very well trained, Commander Nile." Erwin answered as they watched some of the soldiers practiced their 3D Maneuver Gear in a flat area.

"I do hope so. My men over at the Military Police are so well trained; you could see they're the bravest men among the three divisions."

"Well, my men are brave too." The tall blond responded, having no intention to admit defeat. Even if it was a simply childish, immature argument.

"I'd love to see that." Nile muttered under his breath but it didn't go unnoticed by Erwin however.

"Jean Kirschtein." His voice was loud and firm, enough to travel across the field, startling the young soldier from ogling people's asses.

"Sir!" Once in a proper distance, the brunette gave a proper salute.

Inside, Jean's heart was making a 'thump, thump, thump' noise against his ribcage at the thought that he was red-handedly caught staring at people's 'asset'. Could anyone really blame him? He's a growing boy for Sina's sake and those tight leather pants and brown sash shaping their asses really did wonder. Whoever designed their uniform, to Jean, is his God and worthy to be worshiped over. But at the same time, Jean wanted to slap his 'God' twice across the face for invented something that could put his concentration at jeopardy, not to mention, his dignity.

"Jean," Erwin began, ignoring the flustered look on the young soldier. "I want you to go outside the wall now, alone, and kill five titans."

In a faster than possible moment, Jean's face twisted into a disgusted one. "Are you crazy?! It'd kill me, you idiot! I know you have some loose screws and nuts inside your head, but man, today you're crazier than usual. I'm out of here!"

As Jean ran away, leaving only dust for them to eat, Erwin turned to a flabbergasted Nile and said:

"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk to your commander like that."

For split second, Nile could have sworn that he heard smugness in that statement.

…

On that day, the humanity finally received a grim reminder in which the Scouting Legion Military Police could never breathe the same air. The gruesome fact was justified when the world witnessed Nile Dawk pushing Erwin Smith straight into the well.

… And yes, all Hell broke loose again that day.

Conclusion: 

**Erwin** = 1

**Nile** = 0

**-Fin-**


	3. In Which The Scouts Loves Camping

**Title: In Which The Scouts Loves Camping**

**Featuring Characters: Erwin, Mike, Nile, Levi, Hanji Zoe & Moblit.**

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Once again, for the 12th times ever since the foundation of The Scouting Legion, the soldiers were spending their night out in the wild. For those who assumed that the Legion was out on an expedition on the outside of Wall Maria to reclaim the said wall, they just could not be more mistaken. As it happens, the soldiers that bore the symbol of the hope of mankind were currently on their usual camping trip at the Southern part of Wall Rose and by any means, far away from the central. Not surprisingly, Commander Erwin Smith was the one who started the tradition and had fought tooth and claw in order to convince the Capital that this wasn't just a fancy outing.

Uh-huh. Nope.

As matter of fact, Erwin had offered a toilet paper length speech to deliver his points that this was without a doubt, for the purpose of training the soldiers and to build a strong atmosphere of trust among the members and again, NOT for the sake of fun. Being a natural eloquent speaker as he is, the man was able to sway the people from Imperial Capital to grant his scheme—_cough_—proposal.

In the end, not only the Capital had said _'hell yeah'_ to his proposal, but there was even additional budget allocated under _'Training Camp'_ section. It was later revealed that The Military Police's budget was reduced instead so more funds could be channeled to the 'hope of mankind.' Full stop.

Though, most of The Scouting Legion's members knew their commander was as far as one could tell, a man who managed to put even devils to shame. They weren't far from truth when Commander Erwin Smith was seen grinning like a Cheshire Cat alone in his office while staring at the proposal on his desk—approved, verified, signed. Hell, he even managed to get even The King to put down his thumbprint, just in case if a certain someone from the Military Police Division dares to object.

On their very first camping trip, the scouting members at once discovered the genuine purpose of it. Just for fun, fun and more fun and to relieve the stress. Full stop. Even worse, they later learned that Erwin would without fail; select a camping ground with few criteria:

1. Far away from the central, preferably at the South of Wall Maria

2. Close to a lake

3. Or river (So that the chief could go fishing and gloat to his subordinates about his catch)

4. Flat and even surface. Once they had set up their camps on a bumpy ground and later listened their commander complained regarding his agonizing backache for the next two weeks.

So, similar to previous camping nights, the soldiers along with their officers found themselves drinking barley wine, eating roasted sweet potatoes and exchanging stories. Their heart-warming activities eventually prolonged until the last drop of ale was drank and it was only then the soldiers decided it was time to hit the sack. But first, they need to establish the sleeping arrangement.

That was the decisive moment.

Who is the poor soul tonight that's willing to bunk with Hanji inside the same tent?

Erwin murmured the dreadful question mostly to himself actually, but to members of The Scouting Legion that posses physical abilities which is above than average (including sense of hearing), such remark was like a cricket noise in the middle of dead night—loud and apparent. By the time the commander ended his sentence with a long 'hmm', all the soldiers had already scampered away and performed a perfect swan dive as they jumped straight into their respective tents. After all the men were out of sight, it was only then Erwin looked up and saw nothing but a clear ground. Except for the scattered mugs, the dying fire, the crickets' noise and Dear Sina, is it just him or all the tents are shaking?

"Our soldiers have good reflexes." Erwin commented with a hint of fondness in his voice.

To his right, Levi pulled himself off from the ground, patted his thighs to remove the dirt and huffed. "Yeah, yeah. Good reflexes, good ears but right now, that shits won't do any good to us. Now who's going to be four-eye tent-mate?" The raven-haired man pointed at Hanji who's fidgeting in anticipation.

From Levi, blue orbs slowly travelled to the quiet young man standing behind Mike. He was doing his best to stay unnoticed by hiding behind Mike's large frame, but unlucky for him, he wasn't invisible enough to Erwin's piercing, sharp gaze.

"We always have Moblit." The commander nodded at the said man who had his breath hitched three notes higher.

Mike sighed and shook his head in disagreement. "Give the man his break. He bunked with Hanji during the last three trips."

"Well… In that case…" Drawling his voice, Erwin trailed his eyes over to the legion's Lance Corporal. Levi, on the other hand, comprehended the man's inner monolog and bared his teeth at his superior.

"Erwin. I may gut her alive." He deadpanned. "Is it alright with you? To have our genius scientist killed by me? Why can't she just squeeze in with you?"

"Because Mike is with me. And right now it's either you or Moblit."

"With all due to respect, SIR," Eyes twitching, Levi snapped the last word through his gritted teeth. "Hanji is a woman and therefore, why don't we just throw her with other female's member?"

"Are you implying that there's a chance that you may do something inappropriate to her?" The blond challenged.

"Can I say something?" Hanji suddenly butted in after a long period of silence.

The Lance Corporal glared at the scientist. "No, you can't. So shut up until we sort this shit out."

Hanji closed her mouth and pouted next to her assistant.

"And you," Levi scowled at Erwin and tapped his shoes impatiently. "With your idiotic accusation. Someone must have put dirt or whatever into your drink."

The scent of danger has started to linger in the air. If he wants to intervene, now would be the best moment, so Mike reasoned. "Levi has a point." He rested his palm on Levi's left shoulder to stop the shorter male from advancing any further and kick Erwin in the sheen. "We have other female members. Uhh.. Mikasa Ackerman perhaps?"

"No!" Hanji practically leaped forward and almost bumped her face square against Mike's large back when she tripped over her own feet. "That girl has the worst temperament I've ever seen in my life. Even worse than Levi's!"

Levi rolled his eyes. Now that's new.

"She kicked me straight out of the tent the last time I bunked with her!" She added.

"Uhh…" Mike tried to recall the names of other female soldiers within The Scouting Legion. "Annie Leonheart?"

"She punched my face."

"Sasha Blouse?" He tried again.

"She chewed on my arm."

"Petra?"

"She strangled me."

Lost for words, Mike signaled for Erwin to resume his post as the chairman of their discussion. Hanji was renowned for her eccentric and overzealous nature, but to learn that there were so many people who tried to assassinate her during their sleep, the legion's second strongest man was speechless.

The blond haired man shifted his attention back to Hanji's assistant. "So Moblit—"

"—Please, Erwin… "Mike cut him, his fingers went to pinch the bridge of his nose as he sighed in distressed. "Just… just keep Moblit out of the picture for tonight."

More hopeless sighs ensued between the top brasses of The Scouting Legion. After being taciturn and hidden from the world (many thanks to Mike's large frame), Moblit finally decided to speak although half of his body was still obscured by Mike.

"Erm," The man started. "Corporal and I are the only one without a tent-mate. Why don't we let Major Hanji to have one all by herself?"

Levi gave a withering look at Moblit. Lucky enough, nothing withered around him. Not even the grass, the flowers or even the other top brasses but it was somewhat enough to make Moblit's feet quaked under him.

"I don't like sharing and I'm not going to give up my tent." The shortest of them all deadpanned while his arms went to cross over his chest just to express his immature side. "If Hanji is going to have a private tent on her own, then you'll have to squeeze in with Erwin and Mike."

Of its own volition, Erwin golden eyebrow rose up high. "Levi," There was a hint of disbelief mixed with amusement in his voice and Levi just knew the man wasn't in agreement with him. "Mike is 6" 5' and I'm 6" 2'. If Moblit sleep with us, he'll be crushed to death by morning."

"You're being god-awfully selfish tonight." Almost like a father scolding his teenage son, Mike gave a disapproving headshake towards the petite soldier.

In return for the remark, Levi scowled. "I'm always selfish. Have I ever been considerate to anyone before?"

"I saw you gave your sandwich to the new soldier." Mike said without missing a beat and caught the dear in the headlight look on Levi's face. "What was his name? Armin was it? The one who always hangs around Eren."

Not one to yield so easily, the raven haired male quickly put up a jaded façade in contrast with his fluttering heart. "The boy looked starved to death." Levi defended as the reminiscence from this morning clouded his mind. Of course he clearly remembered the happy (or startled perhaps) look when he unceremoniously dumped his sandwiches into Armin's plate when he thought that nobody was looking, but he certainly wasn't expecting that someone like Mike to witness such incident and use it to against him in this sort of shitty situation. Drat. Well, at least he didn't see him—

"And then you keep on staring at him for the whole breakfast."

_Fuckety fuck._

"Mike, enough!" Levi barked at the said man before he could give anyone wrong ideas—great, now Erwin is looking at him with eyes larger than a dinner plate if that was even possible. Screw his dignity. Screw Mike and big mouth. And screw Erwin and his lopsided retarded expression.

"I don't care what you saw or whether you're going to squash Mobile like a bug—"

"It's Moblit actually, sir." The young blonde corrected Levi.

"Whatever." Levi huffed. "Hanji is going to sleep on her own and I'm not going to give up my personal space for anyone."

"Mikee—" All of sudden whined and clung on Mike's sleeve and the man in return, massaged his temple to prevent the upcoming headache. He was tired and the introduction of alcohol into his system wasn't making the inside of his head any less chaotic, but to have two people clinging on him—Moblit at his back and Hanji at his side—as though he was a mother hen, the headache was then tenfold.

"I can't sleep if I'm all alone…" There was a hint of awkwardness at the end of her sentence that made Levi to narrow his eyes into a tiny slit, more so when she added, "I need to talk to someone in order for me to get sleepy."

"Hanji," The crease on his forehead deepened as Levi eyed the woman with blatant disgust. "We're in the middle of clawing each other throats here because none of us here have any death wish to hear you talking about your experiments. So for the second time, just shut up or I swear I'll come there and sew your mouth myself."

"Levi—" Erwin tried to intervene but Levi's harsh glare dampened his intention. Really, how could someone as petite as Levi managed to include that much hatred and sourness into one look, the commander still couldn't understand up until now.

"I don't care." The strongest soldier shook his head and later cursed when the black strands of his bang somewhat poked his eyes. "I'm not going to share—"

"Levi, it's an order."

At once, the raven clamped his mouth shut. He was close to murdering his own commander or passing out from the order but at the moment, Levi was more content with the idea of strangling Hanji and hangs her upside down at the top of the tallest tree he could find within the walls. But then again, The Scouting Legion might be minus one talented scientist and he knew that Erwin would have none of that. Oh the complication…

"Moblit." Levi suddenly tilted his head to the side to take a better look at Hanji's assistant.

The said man twitched when his name was pronounced in such venomous way and Moblit almost jumped three feet high when he saw Levi stomped his way towards him. From his vantage point, the man's dark eyes were reflecting an eerie bluish, black glow that was similar to predators when they were in the middle of stalking their prey. Or in this time around, Moblit was probably the poor Bambi. That's it, he just knew it. Levi was officially pissed at him and the man was going to send him to his maker. Well at least, he didn't die being eaten alive by titans.

_'Moblit, age Xx, dead after being killed by humanity's strongest soldier'_. Hmm… now he wasn't sure about the headline.

Or maybe, he could ask Commander Erwin to declare his death as _'Moblit, age Xx, died in a heroic fashion while trying assist_—nevermind! Corporal was already in front of him and staring at him with half lidded eyes but due the difference of their height, the man looked somewhat… less fierce.

As if that even possible.

"Kiss me."

One second. Two second. Three second. On the tenth second, it was only then the words registered into Moblit's brain, but have yet to be processed and analyzed.

"Sir..?" There was no need to glance around since Moblit knew that all eyes were on him—right, left, front and back. Worse, Levi's eyes were pinning him in place and even Mike wouldn't be able to block him from those unreadable expression. It wasn't anger that settled on his face but it was miles far from pleased. It was as if he was… calculating. That's correct. Like he was a piece a meat and Levi was calculating on how to devour him in the best possible way.

"I said kiss me." Levi repeated and again, his face was void for any apparent emotion. Perhaps, there was an emotion playing on his face, but Moblit was too panic-stricken to actually notice it.

"I-I don't—"

But Levi was having none of the young soldier's shilly-shally attitude and fisted the front of Moblit's white, button-up shirt. Before the man could as much screamed 'help'—not that there's anyone willing to help him—, the corporal had already pulled him down to an appropriate level and enveloped the blonde's mouth with his. Too surprised with the sudden movement, Moblit had chosen a wrong choice of action as a respond—by parting his lips. Unwisely so, for Levi immediately took the opportunity to thrust his tongue into the wet cavern. To lick the roof, the inside of the cheeks, the underside of the tongue before the raven haired man tangled their wet appendages together despite Moblit's lack of reaction which was due to the extreme shock.

Even so, within the swirl of emotions—shocked, confused and fear—, Moblit's senses were functioning all too well. He could see how Levi closed his eyes while he was still practically thrusting his tongue in and out of his mouth, he could hear the pleased hum vibrating at the back of the corporal throat, he could smell the familiar soapy scent clinging on Levi like it was his second skin, he could feel the tip of the corporal's tongue tickling the surface of his own appendage and he could taste the sweetness of the roasted marshmallow they were having just now mixing with the saliva that was greedily pouring into his mouth.

As good and intense the kiss was, it was Moblit they were referring too—Hanji's most loyal, reliable and responsible assistant. So it was anticipated for the young soldier to squirm and twist under the corporal strong clutch but his effort was met with less success since Levi had shifted his hand to the back of his head and fisted his golden mane to keep him in place.

Holy hell! The Corporal could really crush people with his caveman grip!

After making a guttural and desperate noise for about a minute, it was only then his superior decided to aid him.

"Ooooh Levi…" Hanji called for the shorter male. Although Moblit's line of vision was filled by nothing but the ground and Levi's determined face, he still could somewhat foresee the gleeful look on his direct superior, Hanji or any of them in that manner.

"I think you're suffocating my assistant." The scientist added but not after Moblit flailing his arms in desperation.

In the end, Levi did release the young soldier after few more warning remarks from Mike and Erwin.

"Pwwahhh!" Moblit sucked in as much air as he could through his bruised, cherry red lips. His lips were sore, his head was doing a swan dance and despite his spinning vision, he still noticed the glint in Levi's eyes that was anywhere near innocent. More precisely, the glint was much closer to greedy one that caused chill to run up and down Moblit's spine—dark and sultry.

While the young soldier before him busy practicing his foreign language, Levi darted his tongue out to lick his upper lips—to fully analyze the after-taste left by Hanji's subordinate. Unlike them, Moblit didn't even allow even single ale to touch his tongue so the bitter taste of the alcoholic drink wasn't there to begin with. In short, he tasted as sweet as an overly ripe apple with a hint of honey, perhaps? Levi couldn't really tell but to him, it didn't matter. What mattered the most at that moment was that, he loved the taste, he loved the sound Moblit made and he absolutely loved kissing the jittery soldier.

"Uhh…ahh…Uhhh…" The said jittery soldier tried to speak whatever words in his mind but failed to do so when his mind couldn't master enough vocabulary to utter a single coherent word.

"Fine." Levi smacked his lips a couple of time and turned to the audience with what could be deciphered as a satisfied look. "I'll be Hanji little squeeze for tonight but in return," The corporal pointed at the terrified soldier before continued, "I demand one kiss everyday from Moblit for a whole month."

"Deal." Almost in unison, Mike, Erwin and Hanji agreed.

"Wha-wha-whaat?!" If possible, Moblit's chestnut brown eyes just popped out of their sockets. "But I don't want to kiss corporal—"

One glare from Levi and it was more than enough to make the rest of the words withered inside Moblit's mouth.

"Moblit." Large hands clamped around his left shoulder and Moblit turned his head to the side only to meet an open stare of his commander. "As a soldier, we all have to make a sacrifice. Levi decided to sacrifice his beauty sleep and while you on the other hand need to sacrifice your lips and—"

"—My dignity!" Hanji's assistant was all screaming by now. "What about my human right?! You can't possibly expect me to agree with this—"

Another hand clamped on his right shoulder which was belonged to Mike. "You're lucky that Levi demanded only a kiss. He demanded something more extreme from Hanji's last assistant when she asked to do some blood test on him."

"Major's last assistant…" There was a sudden lump in Moblit's throat and it took a great amount of willpower to swallow it down. "Y-you mean the one I'm replacing…?"

Both Erwin and Mike nodded and sighed sympathetically. "I gave him two months of compassionate leave after that, but until now, the poor block has never returned for duty. Too traumatized I believe."

Second to the remark was more sympathetic sighs. And when Moblit took a quick glance at the subject of their topic through the corner of his eyes, the deep look on Levi's made the young soldier to make a small whimpering noise.

"Wh-what did the Corporal demand from him..?" His voice was barely above whisper, but Erwin had no trouble catching every of the stuttering terms.

The commander looked hesitant. He turned to Mike and the man nodded at him. Then he turned to Hanji and the scientist too, in respond nodded at Erwin. In reality, she had no idea why she nodded, but since Mike did it, the scientist felt like going with the flow. Of course, not that she was going to admit to anyone anyway.

"Levi demanded a good fuck from him everyday for a month." Mike decided to be the one who broke the news without interleaved any sort of filtering in between his words.

"Ahh, that…" Bits and pieces began to come back to Erwin as the commander of The Scouting Legion dug the almost forgotten memory. "The man tried to outrun Levi a couple of times but he didn't get too far since Levi turned the whole headquarter upside down."

"Right after the 'contract', Erwin gave him a compassionate leave but he never comes back." Mike added nonchalantly as though his earlier remark wasn't dreadful enough.

"It can't be help though." Hanji snickered, but to Mike, she sounded more like a horse choking on an apple. "Our Levi is truly a man-eater."

"The man-eater is standing right here." Levi tried to not sound too worked up but when he heard a low chuckle from Erwin, the corporal felt like snapping the man's neck in three different places.

"But you should be alright, Moblit!" More giddy look from Hanji as she turned to her assistant. "All you have to do—Moblit..? Moblit? Are you listening to me?"

That time, Hanji couldn't really gauge the exact expression playing on Moblit. There were too many of them—confused, no doubt about that, and something akin to traumatized. His body went rigid while his feet stayed rooted to the ground with eyes larger than a frightened hamster. Any moment now, and he probably would scream—

"Wait! I take it back!" Too late.

Fear for his dignity and shocked with the revelation—those emotions swirled inside Moblit and he had lost the last ounce of his willpower to stay calm. As a result, Moblit let out a blood curdling shriek as if he was being pounced by a man-eating beast. But his situation at that moment wasn't far from the reality since the man-eater known as Levi, now was eyeing him with the same intensity as any other hungry, starving beasts out there.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Moblit tried to flee but he was two seconds too late. Mike and Erwin had already grabbed a hold on his shoulders to prevent the young soldier from running to god-know-where. If they release him now, there was a chance, even for the tiniest, that Moblit may run towards the forest and never to return.

"I'll sleep with Major Hanji tonight! I don't care if I have to listen about her experiment all night long. Really, I don't!" Petrified as he was, Moblit to break free from his superiors, but their grip, especially Mike's was like iron. They dragged him with them as the young man still screaming profanity.

"Too late." Levi called for the hysterical Moblit. Due to his height, there wasn't much to be seen since Mike's and Erwin's large frame was blocking his view but he was sure as hell Moblit's was close to losing his mind or passing out if the flailing arms were any indication.

"Remember, Moblit. My demand starts when we get back to headquarter." To emphasize his intention, Levi licked his lips and threw him a sultry look that usually makes even men scream obscenity.

"Nooo! Nooo! Major Hanji! Help!" Those were Moblit's last parting words before he was shoved into the tent.

In the ensuing stillness of the night, Levi took a few more seconds of his time, pondering over on how Mike and Erwin were going to keep Moblit safe inside the tent. Heck, he didn't even give a damn if they decided to tie him with the wires as long he's still in one piece by the time they reach their headquarter. Oh the things he would do to that man…

"Levi, you're smirking. I'm scared." Hanji whispered next to his ear and the petite soldier fought the urge to roll his eyes dramatically.

One hand around Hanji's wrist, Levi tugged the scientist with him, not caring whether she was stumbling or kissing the ground under them. Once they arrived at his, no, their tent, Levi practically kicked her straight into it before entering their makeshift home with a small huff. But Hanji was being… Well, Hanji of course. It didn't take long for her to pout and it certainly didn't take that long for her mood to bounce back in so much vigor that made Levi wanted to ruin her day. Or night in their case.

"Levi, Levi, Levi!" There was an imaginary tail behind her, wagging like crazy and her eyes were gleaming like underwater crystals. For a split second, Levi thought he was going to be blind and he just had to squint to adjust his eyes with Hanji's blinding light.

"I have these few theories about my recent findings and I want to share—"

"Hanji!" Before the scientist could proceed speaking any ancient language, Levi was a moment faster to stop her. That is, by clamping his hand over Hanji's mouth so that all could be heard was a muffled 'mmpphh, mmmphh, mmhhh'. In Levi's standard, it was still noisy as hell, but at least the level was toned down to acceptable one.

"Look, Hanji. Here's the thing." Laced in those muted eyes, was a dangerous killing intent and Hanji did stay still after that. "If you let me sleep for tonight without even a peep, I swear on every grave within these walls that I'll give up my two hours of my life tomorrow and listen to whatever nonsensical theories you have."

Of course, Hanji was skeptical. "Two hours is not that—"

"Either you accept this deal or I'll throw you into the lake right this moment." Hanji was never in his favorite list, but tonight, Levi wished the scientist a gruesome death, preferably torn apart by her beloved Titan. If that wasn't gruesome enough, then, he'll have to maim Hanji himself. Maybe he could hack her body into small pieces and stuff them into one of the wooden boxes or tied it up with a large rock before throwing into the lake or—

Or maybe not. He'll just have to admit to Erwin that he strangled her in her sleep while performing manicure. Simple as a piece of pie.

"I suppose that'll do. But you have to promise me, Levi!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." The Humanity's Strongest waved his hand airily. Regardless of the fact that he was a grown man and Hanji was a grown woman, Levi didn't allow that detail to stop him from stripping his top so he could slide on something more comfortable to sleep around with—a plain, white cotton shirt. "And don't snore." Warned the man, his voice was slightly muffled by the newly changed nightshirt.

"Yes siiirr…" Hanji wiggled her body into the sleeping bag and after few shifting and twisting, it was only then she managed to put all her limbs inside the bag. Levi, on the other hand, had no difficulty in arranging himself given his size and height, stuffing his body snugly inside the makeshift bed until only the top of his black strands poked through the opening. How the man was able to breath with that position was beyond Hanji but the scientist decided not to ponder over the mystery for now.

Both soldiers didn't mind when sweet dreams came to visit them and by the time the night owl decided to make an appearance, only the noise of soft, even breathings with an occasional snores cut through the silence of the camping ground. That is, before conspiratorial whispers slipped in.

"Psstt, have they gone to sleep?" Whispered soldier No. 1.

"Yeah, I think so. Who's screaming back there? Moblit?" Whispered Soldier No. 2.

"Who cares! I need to take a shit!"

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Some hours later, Levi stirred from his sleep and blinked a couple of times. The cold that slid through the night made him shivered and Levi clutched the blanket tighter to his chest, fighting the desire to slip into Hanji's sleeping beg like a small child longing for comforting warmth. Through his blurry eyes, the raven haired male dimly noticed how the night boils with stars. Everything seemed to be alive, even the moon radiated in its silvery light, providing optimum illumination for the nocturnal creatures. Dark orbs stared at the starry night a little longer, two minutes perhaps, before Levi nudged his tent-mate.

"Huh… W-What is it, Levi?" Hanji's voice was cracking, not to mention, groggy. Her knuckled automatically went to rub away, or at least, reduce the effect of the Sandman from her eyes and she caught the image of Levi staring intently at the sky. She copied him and looked up only to have a gasp torn from her mouth.

Silent, mysterious and full of seduction. Those were the only words Hanji could think of at that very moment. Like jewels in the night, the stars spread their midnight strength and burned all through the Milky Way—topaz, blue and misty red. Each of the mesmerizing lights seemed to be competing with other for dominance while the scientist could only sit there in awed, still cocooned in her thick blanket. When under their gaze, it was as if she could cast away any other thoughts and with the way the moon basked her in that friendly moonlight, it felt like as if the moon itself was her comrade.

"Beautiful isn't?" Next to her, Levi murmured. His eyes still fixated far above, gazing at the twinkling, twinkling brilliant stars.

"Yeah." Hanji replied, slightly surprised with the man's words of appreciation.

Hugging his knees closer to his chest, Levi murmured again. "What does the sky tell you, Hanji?"

To have Levi asking her opinion, Hanji would never have thought such miracle would even occur. Tonight might as well be one of those rare, special nights. "Well," She started. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."

Levi nodded in interest. "I see. And?"

"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."

Levi nodded more.

"Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."

More interested nods. "Ooh?"

"And—and—" Hanji beamed like a child doing show and tell. "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and we are small and insignificant."

"True." For the first time in many years, Levi agreed with the scientist.

"And meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow!" With a clap of her hands, Hanji concluded her theories. "What about you, Levi? What does the sky tell you?" Anticipation was dripping from every pore on her body and Hanji just couldn't stop herself from shuffling closer towards the Humanity's Strongest.

Bathed in the iridescent light, Levi was silent for a good two minutes as if he was drinking the spectacular display offered by the heavenly sky. "You know… When I see such brilliant view," With a deliberate slowness, Levi turned to the scientist, eyes soft. "There's only one thing that comes to my mind."

"Yeah?"

"Someone has stolen our fucking tent, you dimwitted scientist!"

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"Erwin!"

Levi's bloodthirsty voice was met with unintelligible mumblings and two sets of shuffling before silence followed suit. Outside the tent, the Humanity's Strongest hissed, interpreting the respond to mean that his commander was in fact awake but decided to against cooperation. The blond attempt to resume his slumber was cut into million pieces by a flash of silver that streaked across the wall of the tent. Another four sets of slicing, a huge 'door' was created for Levi to barge into Erwin's tent.

"Levi…" One of the occupants of the tent groaned and groaned some more when he took in the sight of his ruined tent. "Was that really necessary?"

With a blade clutched firmly in his hand, Levi stomped inside, ignoring the pain grunt as he stepped on Mike's thigh. "Some assholes stole our tent!"

"W-what?" Erwin reluctantly opened his eyes at the statement and stared up at Levi through bleary eyes with an expression planted in a realm of disbelief and incredulity. Now who would submit themselves under such imbecility to play a prank on the Humanity's Strongest?

"Someone stole our fucking tent." The raven haired male repeated as though his earlier remark hasn't pierced through his superior's drowsy mind. Only this time, the same remark was spitted out with much more ferocious.

"You can't be serious—"

"Erwin." A low volume, furious snarl reverberated throughout the small tent that made even a heavy sleeper such like Mike stirred from his deep slumber. "I can see stars and the moon from our camping spot. And the last time I checked, our tent is not transparent—where the hell is Moblit?"

Midnight blued orbs darted left to right and still, there was no sign of the said soldier. If Moblit too got stolen by the same crook, then Levi deemed that he had the privilege to turn every single thing inside these walls upside down and peek every hole and nook he could find as long he could get his claws on those assholes. Death! Miserable death to these fuckers!

Another tired grunt came from Mike. "After Erwin almost crushed him for the third time, we sent him to another tent." He finished his sentence with a yawn and rolled to his side, ignoring the ruckus Levi brought with him. "Don't worry, we already tied him up so he wouldn't run away."

Satisfied, even by the tiniest, Levi then focused his attention back to his commander. "Anyway, we need to hunt down this fucker."

Erwin scrunched his eyes shut in attempt to block the light, and if possible, Levi's angry growl. "Can't we just settle this tomorrow? Maybe your tent got blown off by the wind and—"

"If you don't sort this out," Levi took a deep breath, eyes determined. "I'm going to tell Nile it was you who drained all of his wines and switched them with grape juice."

Oh yeah. This was probably the perfect time to use his 'telltale' card. If he's going down, then he'd make sure to drag as much people as he could with him, even if it means dragging his own commander.

Faster than any possible moment, Erwin sat up, as fresh as a daisy in a crack of dawn. He kicked the warm blanket enveloping his body, ignoring the ripping sound and exited the tent in one swift movement.

"Men! Assemble!" Hair tussled, the commander of The Scouting Legion made use of his powerful voice to drag the soldiers of his legion back from their La-La land. In ten seconds record, all the soldiers were out of their tent, clad in nothing but their sleeping attire, wide eyes and looked downright harassed.

"Wh-what happened?!" Bertholdt Fubar was the first to panic.

"Titans! It's Titans isn't?! The wall has been breached again!" Eren Yeager added.

"Dumbass! Titans don't move at night! Even monsters need to sleep!" Jean barked.

"Men," Even though amused with the soldiers' panicking state, Erwin did somewhat manage to plant a serious façade on his face. "I can ensure you that Titans is not the reason to why I summoned you."

Multiple relieve sighs ensued.

"It's something else." Erwin began pacing from left to right with his usual grim expression. At any other occasion, the soldiers too, would submit themselves under a serious mode and prepared for any upcoming news no matter how bad or worse it is. But when the same commander, with the same expression, only this time dressed in sleeping attire, bare footed with a major bed-hair, the member of the Scouting Legion couldn't help but to think of how ridiculous Erwin appeared at the moment.

The blond ignored the snort Connie failed to suppress and continued, "There's a new enemy tonight."

Anxious murmurs ensued.

"And that enemy just stole the tent shared by Corporal Levi and Major Hanji."

New sound resurfaced—surprised gasps—from multiple sources all at once. As if on cue, Levi stepped out together with Hanji and stood next to him.

"Now, the corporal and the major have no place to sleep."

Dreadful thoughts clouded each and every member of The Scouting Legion. From where Erwin was standing, he could have sworn there was a couple of soldiers fainted in the most dramatic way he has ever seen.

"So it's either we pursue this enemy or…"

A pause.

"Corporal Levi and Major Hanji will just have to spend a night with any of us."

In a blink of an eye, all soldiers disappeared into their tent to equip themselves with military gear or combat gear as Erwin would have called it. Even the blonde commander himself, together with the Legion's corporal and Major had begun preparing for their midnight hunt.

Except for Mike.

Still nested inside the warmth of his blanket, the Humanity's Second Strongest merely cracked open one eye and watched Erwin scrunched his eyebrows together as the commander drew his formation plan on the ruined canvas that used to be their tent.

"Formation? Really?"

Eyes still glued on the plan, the blonde tapped the surface of the canvas with the tip of his dip pen. "This person managed to steal the tent right under Levi's nose so I'm more than certain that he is indeed very skilled and highly intelligent." Another calculative tapping and Mike fought the urge to snort unintelligibly.

"So we must think out of the box if we want to outdo our opponent."

"I wish you luck then." With a weary yawn, Mike shifted his body further into his blanket.

Blinking, Erwin turned towards his right hand man. "You're not going to assist?"

"No." Mike replied bluntly, ignoring the piercing gaze of Erwin's. If possible, the commander's gaze could have bore holes multiple times all over his body by now. "My nose is not very accurate at night." Lies. He would actually rather sleep his night away than forcing himself to sniff on something that was slightly less clever. Although, the scent he dimly picked up did appear familiar…

But he decided not to tell Erwin. Because if his suspicion was heard, the commander would definitely go… Well, less than himself and more like an eccentric, lopsided commander.

Lucky enough, Erwin chose not to persist for his assistance and exited the tent with a plan clutched firmly in his hand. The image of wings was the last thing he saw before Mike succumbed back to his slumber, taking no heed of the pandemonium taking place outside.

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Unseen by the soldiers of The Scouting Legion, sitting on the top branch of the tallest tree was indeed the true and sly villain—the puppeteer behind tonight's pandemonium. Dressed in a full military gear including the 3DMG, the criminal sipped on his wine as he silently watched the soldier dispersed further into the forest. Some of them were even given the task to cover the wide open area with the help of the moonlight as their guidance. To his right, was the core of the chaos—Levi's tent, dangling helplessly on the branch and he had no worry being seen since he was obscured safely behind the thick leaves. For everytime the soldiers passed him by, all he needed to do was shift and voila! A perfect hiding spot. A small part of him felt guilty for the soldiers but a VERY large part of him felt… absolutely marvelous. To think that he had outdid The Scouting Legion. But more importantly, he had outwitted Erwin Smith.

Correction. THE ERWIN SMITH.

A small smirk was marring his face as he took another leisure sip before muttering, "There're all idiots."

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"Good morning, Commander…" A rather lifeless salute came from Eren while his usual large sea-green eyes were millimeters from shutting close. The teen, however, knew he was far from trouble for giving such half-ass greeting because the superior he was saluting was nowhere near the land of the living.

"Nghh… Mornin'…" His respond was cut by a yawn and Erwin didn't bother to stifle it. Well, he did stifle the countless yawns since this morning, but after the seventh time, he finally admitted defeat.

To say he was sleepy was clearly understatement. Erwin was exhausted to the core! He was lethargic, had a migraine and even without any magic mirror, he knew that each his eyes were adorned with a thick dark circle. Not surprisingly, he wasn't the only one exhibiting the symptoms. Everyone within The Scouting Legion did the same.

Except for Mike Zakarius. The man in focus was as fresh as a dandelion bathed in morning dew, in contrast with the commander he was walking with.

And Erwin blamed the asshole who stole Levi's tent. In the end, they never did capture the enemy and their midnight hunt was all for naught. They returned to the HQ with a torn reputation, mentally and physically worn out and not to mention, grumpy. Ever since morning, groans and pitiful sighs radiated throughout the building and you couldn't tell which is what any longer. For the first time, the 'Hope of Mankind' had lost to a mere cat bugler who decided tormenting them was far more fascinating than slaughtering Titans outside the walls.

Who doesn't anyway?

"Try not to fall asleep while walking, Erwin." Mike advised the commander who was in the verge of passing out. Each time they passed a soldier, Mike would pull the back of Erwin's collar so the commander would walk straight instead of slumping forward like a zombie.

"I've been looking all over for you, Commander Erwin."

An overly familiar voice snapped Erwin from his midday snoozing and with a deliberate slowness, the commander looked to his right only to caught an image of his LEAST favorite person in this world. There, leaning against the wall with his ankles crossed over, was Nile Hawk, the Chief of Military Police. In Erwin's eyes, the man looked like a crook with a major criminal record and the smug expression plastered across Nile's face only intensified his migraine.

Dear Sina. He really doesn't want to deal with this man today. At least, not when his head was pounding like a tribal drum.

As Nile peeled himself off the wall, Mike motioned to Erwin that he would leave the two of them with their… private talk. It wasn't a hobby of him to watch two grown men, not to mention, commanders, trying to claw each others throats. In a most polite way, of course.

Erwin's blue eyes lingered on Mike's retreating back before he focused his attention back to his fellow commander. "Commander Nile Hawk. What a pleasant surprise."

"I hope I'm not interrupting your busy day." Nile said. They walked side by side along the hallway and Erwin just had to bit the inside of his cheek to prevent the upcoming yawns. Damn Nile and his calculating stare.

"Absolutely not. Fortunately, my schedule for today is not too demanding" Erwin replied. And no, he wasn't going to admit that he had absolutely nothing from morning, save for the occasional snooze.

"Hm-mmh." The raven haired man hummed and nodded at the soldier saluting them. "It's not like you to look exhausted. What happened?"

Shoulders slightly slumped; the blond heaved a small weary sigh. "There was an issue during our training camp."

"Oh?" For some reason, the police commander looked a tad too interested for Erwin's liking. "Was it solved?"

"Yes." Erwin lied. Even in the next seventh reincarnations, he would never admit his defeat, especially if the other party was his least favorite person in the world.

"That's good to hear. At least—"

"Commander Erwin!" The rest of Nile's words stuck inside him throat, more so when he saw a harassed looking soldier running towards them, hot on his heels. Once in a close proximity, he grabbed a hold on Erwin's shoulders as though his life was depending on the man.

"Commander, y-you have to help me! I'm begging you!" The man panted, ignoring Nile's startled gaze. Erwin, on the other hand, still wearing his poker face expression even after the soldier began shaking his superior back and forth. "It's Corporal Levi! He—He—"

The blonde commander held up his hand. "Yes, yes, I'm aware of your situation, Moblit. Have you fulfilled his demand?"

This was probably the first time Moblit felt like punching his superior in the face ever since he joined The Scouting Legion, but the presence of Nile Hawk somewhat managed to suppress his desire.

"Commander Erwin," Moblit's voice was overloaded with plain incredulity. Before this, the assistant have always thought his commander wore a grim expression due to the nature of his work and position. Right now, Moblit wasn't so sure anymore since he was beginning to think that Erwin did that to piss off someone.

"The first thing he did when he saw me this morning was dragged me into his quarter." Ignoring his or Erwin's rank, Moblit pulled the man down slightly. Up close, Erwin could picked up the faint minty whiff on Hanji's assistant and he noticed his eyes have shifted to burnt umber when exposed to the sunlight.

_Dear Heaven. No wonder Levi is practically turning the whole HQ inside out to get his hands on this guy. To Levi, everything about Moblit probably screams submissive, molestable and fuckable. _

Moblit ignored his commander's odd gaze and resumed his shaking. "I had to kick down Corporal's door so I could run and I've been running for one hour straight."

"Maybe Levi would stop chasing you if you just give him what he wants."

"I did! I did try, I swear!" Moblit argued. By now, he wondered why he hasn't kicked Erwin in the sheen. "But when he looked at me like—like a rare, piece of meat and wanted to eat me alive, it—it frightened me, so I ran."

_No, Moblit. Levi didn't want to eat you alive. He only wants you to fuck him senseless until you're dry heaving._ But Erwin decided it wasn't wise to say that out loud. Not when Nile Hawks was staring at them like they had gone mental.

"Commander, I really need you to talk to Corporal Levi and—nevermind! He's coming here!"

True to Moblit's words, the subject of their conversation suddenly appeared out of nowhere and stalking his way towards their direction. Levi's face, without question, was parading a large amount of hunger with a trace of homicidal intent. This was probably one of those times where Moblit wished the wings on his jacket could materialize so he could fly away and never to return.

"What kind of situation I'm in right now, Commander Erwin?" Moblit asked.

"Deep shit." Erwin replied. "If you're planning to resume running, right now is probably the best time."

And Moblit did as per told. Really, how could he stay still on that spot and let the corporal to pounce on him in a broad daylight? This is plain ridiculous! Just days before, Moblit was probably one of those soldiers who respected Levi on behalf of his strength and agility. So why on earth was he running away from the Humanity's Strongest, while fearing for his innocence?

More importantly, is God even that busy to help him?

"Moblit!" Similar to the mentioned soldier, Levi too, began to pick up his pace. This guy was without doubt, commendable to be Hanji's assistant. One moment he was dragging Moblit further into the depth of his quarter, and the next moment the young soldier had kicked down his door and ran for his life. Or dignity in Moblit's case. To have someone slipped right under his nose, Levi's felt his reputation as Humanity's Strongest is at stake. Worse, this occurred right after his fucking tent was stolen.

Both commanders flattened themselves against the wall to make way for Levi. They spent another three or four seconds watching as the corporal pursued after Moblit much like a starved hound and less like a soldier. Erwin understood the importance of being unbiased, but for now, he wished Moblit triumph with his escape plan.

"Do I need to know what that is all about?" Nile asked.

"Not quite." Erwin replied briefly.

For the rest of their conversation, Nile never did prod any further regarding the run and chase game between Moblit and Levi or even their training camp, much to Erwin's relieve. Or at least, that was he thought. It was hard to distinguish every remark coming out of Nile's mouth, given the circumstances that not only he was tired, but also close from throwing something at the Chief of The Police Military. Preferably, a Sina statue.

"And that's all for the news from the central." After a long agonizing half an hour, Nile finally concluded.

"Very well. Thank you for filling me in." Erwin refused meet Nile's grey eyes because he believed that the man possessed the ability to steal someone's soul. There was a couple of time when the commander was tempted to throw silly questions such as _'how's things going on in the underworld'_, but the drowsiness in some way kept his tongue from rolling out those words.

"So I'll be off then." Nile bid his goodbye before turning around to walk in the opposite direction.

The Commander of The Scouting Legion heaved a sigh he has been holding for the last half an hour. _See you in hell. _But Erwin, however, didn't get to deliver the rest of his sigh when Nile suddenly spun on his heels and face him straight.

"By the way, Erwin. If you're still searching for Levi's missing tent, you may want to look for the tallest tree, especially the one with thick bunch of leaves on the top." It might as well be his imagination, but Erwin could have notice the hooded intensity in Nile's steel grey eyes had meaning behind them that was anything but innocent.

Just like that, the raven haired man turned around and walked away, leaving the blond rooted into the cool concrete floor. The commander stared at Nile's retreating back until he turned around the corner, a hint of horror flicking through his blue eyes.

And all of sudden, Commander Erwin Smith forgot how to breathe. All the pieces finally came together as a truth and it rushed over him like a bucket of icy cold water—cruel and mortifying.

_This means war!_

Conclusion:

**Erwin** = 1

**Nile **= 1

**-Fin-**


End file.
